Time to Tell

UPDATE: Sean went home to be with the Lord last night. Continue to pray for his loved ones as they go through this difficult time.


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My post for today is being postponed because something much more serious has been brought to my attention via Monica.

Please pray for a young man named, Sean, who is suffering from Cancer. He is still fighting to live, despite the Last Rites that were given.

I firmly believe that God hears our prayers, so let us all come together and pour out our prayers for Sean, knowing that He can and does perform miracles.

May God Bless you, Sean, my heartfelt prayers are with you and your family.

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I am waiting for

Spring...

When the snow begins to thaw, and the air smells of rebirth and renewal. When the spring plants push their way up through the dark, rich dirt. When the leaves begin to open on the trees. Plump robins snatching worms from the wet earth.

And live my life according to the decisions that I have made, whether right or wrong.

I can get past ugly feelings, I can be optimistic, I can wait for Spring.

Spring, when love awakens and wipes Winter's sleep from the eyes.

I can dream my dreams that will never be real or let them fade into the oblivion of nothingness.

I can dwell on the past, or look forward to the future and whatever may lie ahead.

I can take all the old hurts and let them destroy me, or I can use it to help someone else.

I can let the frustration and anger control me, or I can let it go.

I can dwell on the bad things in life, or be thankful for the good.

I can think that tomorrow will be better.

And Spring will come.

At 8 am yesterday morning, I crawled into bed, slept till 1, got up, made myself go to the grocery store to pick up a couple things, came home, ate a bowl of cereal, laid down on the couch and fell back to sleep by 2. I woke again around 10 pm, and was back in bed a little after 11 and slept clear up till 5 this morning.

I feel like crap. My eyes feel puffy, my brain feels like mush and I am sore from laying down for so long, which I really suspect is from sleeping on the couch.

And the funny thing is, I feel like I could lay down and sleep more.

But my house is a mess and I need to get Boo to school.

Some days I really wish I had a clone, ya know, just to do all the ugly stuff I don't want to do, like clean the toilets or go to work.

Working night shift really takes it out of a person, and there are some nights I really think I am not cut out for this.

As much as I like my bosses, and they have been good to me, I was aggravated about one thing. They hired another girl for days and I really think they should have offered it to one of us on nights first, which I know Crystal wouldn't have taken it since she likes working nights, but I would have jumped on it.

I am so not a night person, and I just can't adjust to it, even though it's been months.

To me working nights is a big con, another con is very little social interaction, I am pretty much alone all night unless one of the residents gets up needing something.

On the pro side, the job is easy, there is in fact little actual work to do, it doesn't take long to pull meds or clean the bathrooms and floors. But on the flip side of that coin, I am used to being busy and the time drags, and I am also finding myself getting very lazy and gaining weight.

Also on the pro side is that I only work three nights a week, and have four days off, the con side? On Sunday I am too tired to function so I don't really count it as a day off, and another con, I work 36 hours in those three days and I work every single weekend, a Saturday off would be nice once in a while.

On the pro side, I make decent wages for doing pretty much nothing, on the con, I don't get benefits.

It pretty much comes down to:

I am tired from doing Nothing.

I hate working nights.

I miss the social interaction that comes with other jobs.

But at least it ain't Sock Hell.

Yesterday the cold war ended between DT and I, which is good.

And it's good when two people who love each other can set aside the things that hurt them and move on.

This certainly isn't the first time we have fought without words or otherwise, and it most likely won't be the last, but once the smoke clears we can once again come together in love.

Besides, making up is the best part.

So after we talked, and discussed some things, and then talked about other more general things, he went off to work.

I then sat and did my nails, which I have neglected for way, way too long.

Afterwords, I was a bit bored and restless, and went to the store and bought a highlight kit for my hair, which I haven't gotten around to yet, hopefully Boo and I can play when I am off next week.

After I picked Boo up from school, we were both bored and restless, so we went shopping.

I figured why not? After all things are starting to improve financially, it wouldn't hurt us to spend a little money on myself.

And after all, shopping always puts a woman in a better frame of mind, especially when she is happy with her purchases.

I don't buy myself a lot, and when I do it's usually one item off the clearance racks.

I wear hand me downs for the most part, and since Boo is now bigger than me, they are her hand me downs.

Oh gee, I am 42 years old, ya'd think at my age I wouldn't be wearing someone else's cast offs.

It's been years since I even bought myself a pair of jeans, so at the store, I spotted a way cool pair of hipster khaki pants.

MINE!!!

Then I found a white gauzy short sleeve top on the clearance rack for only five bucks, and I then searched and found a white tank for underneath.

I was going for a khaki and lace look.

Like a little kid in a candy shop, I happily brought my prizes home and tried them on.

OHHHHHHH, the pants fit perfectly, they fit my junk in the trunk, and even though they are hipsters, when I bend over they don't expose my junk. And they are sooo comfy, I LOVE them.

And I have decided that I am in dire need of some decent clothes, and guess what?

Next week I plan on buying myself at least one pair of jeans. Because, ya know, just because I can, and I absolutely REFUSE to feel guilty about buying myself something.

Maybe I will even buy two pairs of jeans.

*grin*

The point of this post is not about me splurging and spending money, it's about doing something for me.

And I decided that one way to make me happier with myself, is to take care of myself, to do things for myself that make me feel good, like doing my hair or nails.

I can't tell you how often I have picked something off a rack that I really wanted only to put it back because I was so worried about leaving us short for the week, and I can't tell you how good it felt to actually buy myself something that I wanted.

And it's not DT's fault, he tells me to buy myself things, but frugality has been so ingrained in me from struggling for so many years, raising kids on a low income ain't easy, ya know, that it's hard to overcome.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't even know how to spend it. I would probably still buy off clearance racks or in thrift stores.

And this isn't even about spending money, I can pamper myself by doing at least one thing a day that makes me feel good. Like, for instance a facial.

I can take a walk and get some much needed fresh air and exersize, well, when the temps go back up that is, I don't relish the thought of walking outside when it's 25 degrees.

I can take a bubble bath, I can sit with a cup of earl grey tea and relax, I can rub lotion on my feet and legs, or give myself a pedicure.

I can practice smiling. Because I believe the more I do smile, the more I will want to smile.

I can start wearing make up again everyday, like I did up until some months ago, not to impress anybody, but to make me feel good.

I can get up in the morning, shower and then dress in something besides a sweat suit.

But most of all, I can start living again.

I talked to three friends yesterday, my friend K being one of them, which was good. It was so good to hear her voice.

One thing about K and I, after 20 years of friendship we can say things to each other without worrying that our friendship will end, we comfort each other, understand each other and can make each other laugh, even when we are crying.

The second friend just listened, and then she too made me laugh.

The third friend has a way of making me think, and holding me accountable, something I need, a voice of reason, maybe because they aren't in the middle of this and can see things more clearly than I.

As I said in my last post, I feel stuck. But it's more than that, I feel like I've been pushed into a box. Manipulated into a place I don't want to be.

People have the impression that I am strong, but that is so far from the truth that it's laughable. I am not strong, I have survived the hard things in my life because I had no choice, but there were many many times I just wanted to lay my head down and die.

I muddle through each day just like anyone else, and too often I just go with the flow. I live my life for everyone else, base decisions on what others want or need, or worse, go along with others decisions just because it's the easiest course of action.

It's easier to swim with the current than against it.

Soon I will be 43 years old, and maybe I am just going through my own form of midlife crisis, but lately I look back on my life and see that I haven't made very many decisions based on what I want and need.

I can only recall me making one life changing decision, and that decision had so many factors to consider, and I didn't just base it on what I needed, but on what my children needed, what was best for them. So even that wasn't just for me. I left my ex, which is a decision I needed to make, and one that I didn't regret then and still don't.

At my age, living the life I have, I don't know if I know how to make decisions.

I was 17 when I married for the first time, and I wasn't even allowed to pick out what kind of flowers I wanted or even the color scheme.

While I was married to him, the only real decision I made years into it, was to get my driver's license, I was thirty years old before I sat behind the wheel of a car. Before then, I was affectively stuck in the house with three little ones.

That small step my friends, was the beginning of the end of my marriage. It was my first step towards independence.

Then while I was asserting my independence, I met DT, and somehow my life got wrapped up around him.

And now I am here and all these months later I wonder, when do I get to live my life for me?

Is that selfish?

I feel like I have given up everything and everyone I cared for.

Before we came here, I made it clear that I didn't want to move here.

And he said he was coming with or without me.

I followed him here because I love him, but at what cost to me?

I feel like I lost myself in this move.

Sometimes I wonder, if it would have been my job on the line, if he would have followed me.

I feel like my wants and needs are always put on the back burner, that decisions are based on what he wants, because after all he is the MAN.

And in the process, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even know if I like myself.

More and more over these months I have begun to care less and less about myself.

I came here as a step of faith, believing that God wanted me here, but I find no purpose here.

And most of all, I don't like fighting with DT even if it is a fight without words, without saying anything at all, pushing away from each other.

And all these things were thoughts that swam through my head over the last week or so, and I think, I just wanted to be angry at him, but I can't live like that.

I followed him here yes, and at times I may feel like I was forced into a decision that I didn't want, but without him, I can't breathe.

And when things aren't good between us, I find myself suffocating on bitterness and resentment.

I can't live like that, so I swallowed my pride, set aside my hurt and anger and took a step towards him.

If my marriage is back on an even keel, then I can work at fixing myself, work at finding myself and where I belong in this place that leaves me often feeling bereft.

I gave up a whole lot for this marriage, for him. I walked away from the life I had, from my home.

But I am also walking towards something, new hopes, new dreams, with him by my side.

I keep looking back when I should be looking forward.

And honestly, over the last week or so, I considered leaving here, leaving him.

And then I thought how my life would be without him in it.

And I remembered how deep the pain was when we weren't together.

Oh, I would survive, but would it really be worth the cost?

My heart tells me no.

He is essential to me.

I've been playing phone tag with K, I really want to talk to her, but we keep missing each other.

I am feeling off kilter.

I need...and I don't know what it is I need.

I want...and I am too afraid to go after what I want.

I feel...stuck.